I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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