guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
