i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
