yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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