I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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