we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
