just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
