There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
