Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
