i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
