After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
