The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
