I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How external is "for external use only"?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
