I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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