Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
