I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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