Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
