I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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