I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
