sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
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