Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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