its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
