I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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