East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So many bounce houses so little time
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
