he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
