Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
