in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
