the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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