I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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