there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My first STD was from a foam party
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
