Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
