my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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