I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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