So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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