when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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