Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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