So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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