I feel great
I just peed on a car
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
