my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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