They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
