Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
