I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude i'm inner monologue high
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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