Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
