I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
