there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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