i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
