so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
