Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
