I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
