Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
