Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Threesome in a minivan. New low
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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