its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
