Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
birth control should be required to get into college
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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