When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
