so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
