i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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