if you like me you must not know who I am
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
