He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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