I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
