Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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